Conway Twitty & Loretta Lynn - Louisiana Woman, Missippi Man

And now the grand old opera theater proudly presents
a special holiday edition of the Adventures of the Kung Pao Buckaroos.

Well, it's a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you're easily offended well that's okay
It's a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday.

We catch up with our three cowboys one cold
December night huddled around the camp fire.

How ‘bout we sing some holiday songs?
Yeah, hey George, you wanna lead us off?
Yeah, I got one.

Oh Chri-biip-mas tree oh Chri-biip-mas tree how lovely are thou branched

Why am I getting blipped again?
Haven't you heard guys? You can't say Chri-biip-mas you gotta say Holiday
I can't say Chri-biip-mas?
No you might offend somebody.
Who is offended by Chri-biip-mas?
You know you might offend the biiiip and the biiiip and the atheists.
What?
Time to politically correct.

I'll lead this off.

On the first day of Chri-biip-mas my true love said to me.

Jimmy, are you listening?
What?
You can't say Chri-biip-mas.
Why not?
You can say biiiip on the last record.
Why can't I say Chri-biip-mas?
I didn't make the rules.
Hey listen guys, it's not that difficult,
all you gotta do is change Chri-biip-mas to Holiday.
You know, instead of saying white Chri-biip-mas, you say
I'm dreaming of a whi-biiip Holiday.
Why did I get blipped?
You've got to say Caucasian.
So I have to sing, I'm dreaming of a Caucasian holiday?
Sure, that won't offend anybody.

Well, it's a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday,
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you're easily offended well that's okay.

Why do these people have to feel that way?
How come they get offended so easily?

It's a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday

I'm just trying to come up with a song here.
Let's sing one together, everybody ready? George?
Ready.
Bill your ready?
I'm ready.
Jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?
Okay!

We three kings of biiiiiiiiip are bearing gifts we've traveled real far.

Sorry boys, you have to say Asia now.
What?
Oh, come on just try.

We three kings of Asia are.

That sounds like horse biiiip
Oh lord, okay. How ‘bout Little Drummer boy?
Nope, that offends short people.
And you can't say drummer ‘cause that will offend real musicians.

How ‘bout little –hahaha- town of meddle hell.
What's this with all the short jokes?

Hey how ‘bout we do Silent Night?
No, it'll offend people who's hard to hear and afraid of the dark
What did he say about a shark?
SHARK?

This happens every year.

Well, it's a Kung Pao Buckaroo Holiday
Whatever you do watch what you say
If you're easily offended well that's okay
It's a completely non-offensive and politically correct holiday.

Hohoho!
No.
I can't say ho?
No, you might offend some women.
So basically we can't sing anything?

I think that's a bunch of bull biiiip.
Softer George it's more effective.
I think that's a bunch of bull biiiip.
You now what? I don't care who we offend,
I'm gonna sing Chri-biip-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-biip-mas carols.
Louder man it's more effective.
I don't care who we offend,
I'm gonna sing Chri-biip-mas carols if I wanna sing Chri-biip-mas carols.
Me too.

We wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas, we wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas,
we wish you a merry Chri-biip-mas, and a happy ne-biip year.

We can't say new; it'll offend the old folks.
And you never wanna offend them... Us.




Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Til he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel, The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of pampers , some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night o' holy night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Mix Bloody Marys cause we all want one
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of midol, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad


By now in New York City.
There's snow on the ground.
And out in California.
The sunshines' falling down.
And maybe down in Memphis, Graceland's all in lights.
And in Atlanta, Georgia, there's peace on earth tonight.

Christmas in Dixie, it's snowing in the pines.
Merry Christmas from Dixie to everyone tonight.

It's windy in Chicago.
The kids are out of school.
There's magic in Motown.
The city's on the move.
In Jackson, Mississippi to Charlotte, Caroline.
And all across the Nation, it's a peaceful Christmas time.

Christmas in Dixie, it's snowing in the pines.
Merry Christmas from Dixie, to everyone tonight.
And from Fort Payne, Alabama.

(Spoken)
God bless you all, We love ya,
Happy New Year, Good night, Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas tonight...